Contemplation
by C.Flynn
Summary: You get lost in that smile; it reminds you of why you've held on for so long. You want to be the only one who can make her smile like that; you feel it's your responsibility. It's the only responsibility you take seriously. One transfiguration lesson, a series of 2nd person views. 7th Year.
1. Explanation

Contemplation

Disclaimer – I own nothing.

You're watching her again. You don't even notice yourself do it anymore; you just can't break the habit. It's natural; your eyes are drawn to wherever she is. An automatic response. McGonagall talks in the background about the importance of something, you're not sure what. You'll do the reading later, it's routine now. You stare at her, she's writing every word down, so lost in concentration. You tell yourself that's why she continues not to acknowledge your existence in the class. You stare so intently in the hope she'll turn round and smile. That's all you really want. You get lost in that smile; it reminds you of why you've held on for so long. You want to be the only one who can make her smile like that; you feel it's your responsibility. It's the only responsibility you take seriously.

Sometimes when you're sat there, watching her, you start to think about why. It's something you're asked a lot, by her, Sirius, Remus. Why. It's been 7 years to them, but to you it's been your whole life. From the moment you were born, you were meant to love her, even if you didn't know it then. You think back to that first day on the platform. The beginning of the end of your life. Because that's what it was, you think. The day you met her was the day you changed. Every day since, you've done the same thing. You've sat, watching. You don't make a conscious effort to seek her out now, it just happens. As soon as you walk into a room you'll find her. Your eyes won't leave her until something pulls you back. You'll joke with the boys, flirt with a teacher or two, but somehow your gaze will slowly drift back. It's pathetic you think, when you realise. When you're not staring at her, you're thinking about her. Sometimes you think she might have ruined your life, and you'd be better off if she'd remained out of this world, oblivious to the magic around.

She raises her hand and then she talks. You don't listen to what she says, you never do. It's the way she lights up with passion that has you enraptured. You can't see her face, but you can picture her eyes, full of excitement. After 7 years and she still hold that childlike wonder about magic, that's what you love. You don't want her to ever lose that. You'll do whatever it takes to keep that joy about her, that wonder, the passion she ignites. Against all odds you'll keep her safe in this war. That's why you stare. It's the one selfless thing about you, your love for her. All you want if for her to be happy. The only reason you've taken a step back this year. You're Head Boy; you want her to feel comfortable around you. For her to feel safe. With you. It's a long shot, you know, but slowly you're breaking through. You want to prove yourself to her, you're trying. Taking this Head thing seriously, making an effort to not attack Snivellus, you're even tutoring first years for God's sake. You don't tell anyone you secretly enjoy watching them finally get it though. But for the first time, you think she might finally be seeing you. You still pull pranks, but she laughs now. She doesn't look down on them, occasionally she'll congratulate you. But only in the safety of the Heads room. You've never loved Dumbledore as much as you did when he took you both there for the first time. You look at it as the first house you'll share with her. Instead of shutting you down, she entertains the idea when you suggest it. It gives you hope.

She turns around, and quickly you start to write, head down. You pray she hasn't caught you watching. You've come so far in the past two months; you don't want to ruin it by acting weird. It would scare her off. You hear a snicker coming from beside you, and you punch Remus in the arm. Then something happens, you glance up, and she's smiling. At you. And then, before it begun, it's over. Marlene leans over and whispers something to her, and once more you're faced with her back. She pulls her hair round to the front, and you're back to staring. You could stare at her all day, without becoming bored. And that's why. Your explanation to anyone who asks. Because it's her. The most beautiful thing you've ever seen and all you want to do is keep her safe. And stare at her. Because for you, it doesn't get better than that. For the past 7 years you've sat in this same chair, and she's sat in front of you. You wonder if McGonagall did it on purpose sometimes. To laugh, as you stare. At her. Lily.


	2. Prove

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He's watching her again. You just don't get it. You don't understand what pulls him to her so magnetically. He's got worse over the past few years you think. You'll be telling him about the prank Wormtail helped you with, the new Quidditch move you've invented, the latest girl you're seeing, and he'll drift away. Not physically, but mentally he's with her. He always is. You ask him why, over and over. Because you just don't get it. You have nothing against her. In fact you enjoy spending time with her, conversing with her. She's funny, intelligent, and beautiful. You think in another life, it might have been you. You can see the attraction. The thing you don't get is why he continues to chase her. You understood the first time, you understood the second time. He'd been rejected; he'd never been in that situation before. He was determined to get the right answer. What you didn't understand was the 17th time, the 23rd time, the 46th time. You don't understand why he didn't give up. And that's why it could never have been you.

You've never put much effort into anything. You've never needed to. Girls, school, Quidditch, its all come so easily to you. Or at least that's what you tell yourself. The only thing you've worked hard for is to get rid of the preconceptions that come with your name. You think that's working out hard enough, no need to add chasing a girl for 3 years to that. Let them come to you. Which they do, over and over. Moony berates you for it, moving on so quickly, leaving a trail of broken hearts behind, he says. You've never seen it like that though. You just want to have fun. You didn't get much of that at home, and out in the real world, you know you'll face things much worse. You're already being blamed for things. Even if you weren't, you'd still feel guilty. It's a part of you, that darkness, it's hidden, but it's always there. Dumbledore can see it. You think on occasion Prongs can see it, and you know she can see it. She looks at you sometimes, not with pity, it's something else. You're not sure what, you've never asked her. You don't intend on either. That's why it could never have been you. Because unlike Prongs you won't confront that demon.

He says she has eyes that can see into your soul. Sometimes you believe that. You can see those piercing green eyes when you try and sleep. They're in your nightmares. The ones about home, about the brother you've lost to 'the cause'. When you see those eyes you know it's because she sees it too. You're somewhat wary of her, because of her ability to read you better than anyone. That's why It would never be you. You like the secrecy, the mystery that surrounds you. Delving into it would ruin everything. You know what you stand for. The Marauders. The Light. You don't want any more self doubt to inhabit your mind, because sometimes you question it. That's the part you don't tell people. The part that says, maybe the hat was wrong. You have bad in you, it's why you told Snape about the Whomping Willow. You think back to that first day on the platform. If you'd never met him, if they'd got to you first you'd have followed them into hell. You'd have hated every second of it, but that courage was only bought out by him. He accepted you straight away. That's what made you change that day. From hiding your opinions, to standing up for them. The first in your line.

That's why it never could have been you. You have to prove your worth to everyone who doesn't accept you straight away. They both did. That's what makes them perfect for each other. You're glad he never gave up, you won't ever say it, but it's given you hope. You can see she's starting to feel the same about him. If fact, you've even caught her staring across the common room before, when she thinks no one's looking. You've never told him. He's cocky enough as it is. Besides you enjoy watching him make a fool of himself. You realise that whilst you've been sitting, contemplating things, you've not listened to a single thing Minnie's said. You can see her staring at you, you wink at her. She gives you detention. You're only here for fun. The work starts when you leave in 6 months time. You're going to have to prove yourself to become and auror. Because really, what other career option have you got? You want to lock your entire family away. They've ruined lives, including yours and you want to stand away from them. Fighting the right fight. Right now, that's convincing her that he's the one for her. And when she does, you vow, you'll die for them.

That's why it will never be you. Because for you there are bigger things. They accepted you, and you'll do everything to prove them correct.


	3. Admit

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You can feel his eyes on you. You don't know how, but you know it's him. It's always been him. That's the problem. You don't know when or how it happened and you wish to God that it will go away, but you feel something. Every time his eyes land on you, you start to smile. You try and force it away. Grimacing in the attempt, anything is better than acknowledging that after 3 years of harassment he's finally won you over. You don't want to give in. You keep telling yourself all the things you believed. The mantra you repeated every time someone questioned why. Why you rejected him at every turn. He's arrogant. A Bully. Immature. He shows off, acts like he's all that, messing up his hair, carrying that bloody snitch around, like he's Godric Gryffindor himself. Except, you're starting to believe it's confidence, not arrogant. He tutors first years. He's Head Boy, which means he must have grown up, surely? He's a good captain, a good leader. You're starting to believe that maybe, maybe he was never the person you thought he was.

You never used to be aware of the staring. Marlene used to point it out to you and laugh. You'd shrug it off; he must have glanced for a second when you saw. But you know that's not the case now. He sits for hours just staring; you're blushing whilst thinking about it. McGonagall catches you, and you realise you need to pay more attention. Transfiguration, although a subject you're good at, you do not particularly have a natural ability for. Your hand shoots up for her next question. You can feel the staring grow more intense. You wish he'd stop, it's off-putting. You wonder why he continues to stare. He's not made any other effort since this year. No big shows of affection, he's not asked you out once. You don't want to sound like it bothers you, but it does. You don't want to have lost your chance after so long.

You watch him too. Far more subtly than he ever has, a throwaway look now and again. When he's playing chess with Remus, or just sat in your shared common room. You have conversations, not just about Head meetings, but real conversations. About family and the future. You've even begun studying together once a week. You never would have believed that all those years ago. You take the opportunity to turn and glance at him. The man he's become, the man you never even dreamed of him becoming. You've startled him, you can tell. He immediately leans down, pretending to write, pretending like he's a regular note taken, when you know he's never written a single one for Transfiguration in his life. You share a smirk with Remus, and you can't help but smile when he gets punched. You're laughing on the inside, but don't show it, you don't want all your cards to be laid out at once. You can't let on.

You're afraid that once you start openly admitting these feelings, that's it. The end of your life. Because you know, once you've said yes, there's no going back. You're scared mostly. What if when he finally gets you, he decides the reality isn't nearly as good as the dream. The only thing that could hurt you most is having him break your heart. You know it's unfair, because you're sure you've broken his too many times to count, unintentionally, but he comes back fighting even stronger the next time. You don't want him to stop fighting. You're afraid if you finally say yes, finally let go, he'll stop. You wonder if this is how he felt, all these years. This confusing mess inside your head Is killing you. You sit there wishing for him, wondering if you'll ever get him. The girls would tell you to stop being stupid. You know you are. Where's all that Gryffindor courage gone now?

You don't want to make the first move though. You've hinted enough times, on patrol, in the library, even after he won the last Quidditch match. But not once has he responded the way you want him to. You never thought you'd find yourself praying for last year, when he'd take every opportunity he could. Perhaps it's for the best though. If he's finally moved on, you're happy for him. He seems to have finally taken to heart all your advice. He's grown up, and one day he'll make someone happy. You're used to getting left behind. Severus. Petunia. You thought he'd be the one constant you'd have, but you realise that notion was daft. Forever isn't one sided. You consider asking Sirius about him. Whether the feelings have changed along with the man. You shrug that off almost immediately, as much as you love Sirius, you can almost hear his laughter now.

You can feel him staring. He's always staring. And sometimes, just sometimes you stare back.


	4. Proud

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You're fully aware that not a single one of your students is paying attention. You consider casting an inappropriate spell just to wake them up. One to stop them staring at each other, to glue their eyes to the front of the classroom perhaps. You smile at the thought, before quickly straightening up and continuing to deliver your lecture. There's something not quite right about today. Your class is far too quiet. You know for a fact they're not contemplating your lesson. Even your beloved Head Girl has drifted off. You notice her smiling to herself, blushing. You give her a hard stare, willing her to pay attention. It's only then you notice Potter. He's not taken his eyes of her once. Evans eyes keep darting round, she keeps smiling. Ahh, you think. It's going to happen. Any time soon, it will finally happen. You owe Albus 5 Galleons, you didn't think it would happen until at least after Christmas was over.

You could all see it was going to at some point, you sit in the teachers' lounge discussing it, and you have done for the past 2 years. Bets have been made about all sorts of things, when Potter would finally grow up, when Evans would finally give in, whether Black would lock them in a broom cupboard until things changed. You smile as you see Evans turn back to look at him. It's almost happening; you know that within the next week they'll be inseparable. Because she's finally realised her feelings. Feelings you've been able to see for months now. The amount of times you've had to hold yourself back from yelling in the middle of class for them to just snog and grow up. Before realising, of course, that's completely out of character, and not entirely appropriate. Black would have a field day.

You're proud of him. Black. Proud to have him in your house. But it's more than that. Its pride in the fact he's never given in to the pressure that surrounds him to be like his family. You'd never tell him that. You stare at him, fake anger on your face. He winks at you. You give him a detention, though you know it won't change anything. You're proud of the 4 of them. Though they've given you more grey hairs than you thought possible, you'll miss them at the end of the year. You're proud of the fact they've stuck by each other. Such different people, who came together, like brothers. The werewolf, the Black outcast, the shy one and Potter. They're all destined for great things; you know that, you've watched them grow. Mentored them, if only so that they achieve NEWTS.

The world out there, outside of Hogwarts is a raging war, you've seen how it's already affecting your students. Some never came back this year; others receive letters every so often, informing them of a family member, missing in action, hostage, believed to be dead. You see some become more introverted, shy away from the truth. Then there are the others, the 4 boys sat in front of you, Lily, the ones who are desperate to leave to join in the fight, to protect their loved ones, to fight for their right to magic. You're proud. You know as soon as they leave here they'll do whatever it takes; Albus has told you of his plans to have them join the Order. They'll make excellent additions you think. They each have something different to give. Compassion. Vengeance. They all have different reasons for fighting.

You hope though, that even thought they'll be living in a war. They still remember to live. They still look after Remus during the full moon. They still talk, laugh, and pull pranks. You hope they continue to have fun, and enjoy life. No-one really knows how long they've got out there. You hope that they'll fight for the right thing, and not each other. Most of all, you hope you get an invitation to the wedding. You know James, and you know he won't want to wait, she'll have more reservations, but when the reality of war hits, you know that they'll want to be married as soon as they can. Their love, as cliché as it is, was meant to be. You saw it that first week, they were meant for something great.

You're about to give up on this lesson. Not a single one of your students are paying attention. You know that as soon as they finally make it official, things will go back to normal. Lily will concentrate again; she'll force James to as well. Sirius will go back to lazily making smart-arse remarks, and Remus will patiently write notes, as Peter struggles. In fact, you can't wait for the relationship to finally happen, if only to give you a little peace. After 3 years of arguments, pranks, you might finally be able to teach a lesson without an interruption. You doubt it. You're beginning to understand why Albus chose him for Head boy and her for Head girl. Because he's a meddling old man, who also just wanted peace. You can't really talk though; you sat him behind her for that exact reason. You often pair them up together in the hope they'll finally get over themselves.

When they do finally make it together. You'll be stood there, proud as ever. You might even let a tear drop. You're proud, but you'd never tell any of them.


End file.
